


Gluttony

by Aidaran, StarTravel



Series: Deadly Sins [4]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Crack, Deadly Sins Garak/Bashir Fest, First Dates, Fluff, Food Poisoning, Funny, Garak with a tail, M/M, Tailed Cardassians, allergic lizard, deadly sins, paranoid iguana
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-03-20 11:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18991978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran, https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarTravel/pseuds/StarTravel
Summary: Julian prepares dinner for Garak. Thing is, he doesn't know cardassians can become paranoid and delusional under the effect of certain ingredients. Now he has a big iguana acting out in his quarters.-----Garak takes the first bite.His tail leaves Julian’s ankle.His pupils dilate.And now Julian has a paranoid lizard trying to get under his bed.





	Gluttony

For their third date, Julian decides to prepare a meal for his lizard. Up until now, they have had replicated kardassi food. This time, he wants to introduce him to Terran dishes. He replicates the ingredients, yes, but spends the whole afternoon cooking the dinner himself, in the Captain’s quarters. Sisko may not approve a lot of his dating choices, but he’ll never let an opportunity to teach somebody how to cook get wasted.

The first dish, small fish canapes, is a real success, with Garak barely repressing the impulse of licking it clean, and wrapping his tail happily around Julian’s ankle. But then. Then Julian gets up and brings in the second plate, a simple omelette. The tail grabs his ankle again as Garak smiles. He’s seen the cardassian eat Regova eggs plenty of times, so he’s sure this will be great.

It is not.

Garak takes the first bite.

His tail leaves Julian’s ankle.

His pupils dilate.

And now Julian has a paranoid lizard trying to get under his bed.

 

Half an hour later, Julian finally manages to get him to sit on his living room. A tricoder scan showed him Garak is in no immediate danger, but he is, clearly, poisoned. While humans may react throwing up, Garak is... Garak is high, by lack of a better word. Julian hipotesis is that Cardassians must be allergic to eggs. He sighs, because since the damn lizards erased all data when they left the station, he can't quite synthesise an antidote, but at least he ran scans and the effects will go off in 3 hours, give or take, so he just has to wait.

So the first minutes he just spends them trying to keep Garak from hiding, since he’s sure there are bugs hidden in Julian’s quarters.

Then he demands a pad and starts to read out loud in kardassi.

... and now Garak is ordering food again. Why.

Julian checks all the food for eggs, carefully disposing first of all he cooked. Every time Garak orders something that may be dangerous, he tries to distract him and recycle it or eat it, if the damn lizard blocks his access to the replicator.

"You... you poorly dressed fool! give me back that stuffed egg!"

Ok, that definitely is too much for Julian to bear. Julian sits down and eats it all as quickly as possible. He can’t believe his plan to seduce Garak with his cooking ended up with him drugging Garak and having to eat far too many eggs in one sitting. He's quite sure not even his enhanced metabolism will be able to stand that much protein.

"Why did you eat all that?" Garak's eyes are wide, and now he looks like a puppy. He starts to tear up. "I wanted to eat it."

Julian wonders if Garak will start to suck his thumb. And he does. He's sucking on his thumb and has Kukalaka on his other arm. When did he grab the bear?

“Garak, is there a reason you’re acting like a small child?” Julian scoffs as he walks him to his couch. He wonders if it would be immoral to give Garak a hypospray and let him sleep it off. No, not immoral, but probably dangerous. He fears there may be some sort of reaction.

For now he tries to think of a way to entertain them.

"Are you going to punish me?"

Child-Garak seems terrified. He hugs Kukalaka and recoils. Julian pats his head awkwardly and checks the time. If his calculations are correct, in 2 hours the effect should go away.

"What? No, of course not! want to... eh, play a game?"

“A game? What kind of game? Like a puzzle?”

Julian has no idea how to deal with this. He's never quite known how to handle children outside the sickbay. Hell, he doesn’t even know how to handle Molly. The chief knows better than to let him take care of his kids, so he luckily never has to interact with them more than to give them shots or for checkups.

"You can choose the game you want and teach me how to play."

"I want to play with blocks."

Garak is still hugging Kukalaka.

“Oh, well. Give me a second to replicate them.”

Julian discreetly scans him. Uh-uh. At least 2.5 more hours of this. The effect is really not wearing as fast as he hoped.

Julian replicates several dozen blocks and places them in front of Garak. Does the oversized iguana want him to play? Yes, he dowes. He pushes some blocks to his side with his tail.

"Play with me." Julian really was expecting to have a different kind of date.

“All right. But I was never very good at playing.”

"Yes, I can see that. Care to tell me why we are on the floor?" Ok, reverted to normal. Or so it seems. Probably he'll turn into something else sone time soon. Food poisoning really did effect Cardassian in ways Julian would find fascinating under different circumstances. 

“You were acting like a small child for the past 20 minutes.”

"Was it because of a drug? Are we under attack?"

Ah, now paranoia again. Julian wishes Garak had told him before about his intolerance to eggs.

“No, it’s because I gave you some eggs.”

"That's ridiculous, dear." He laughs almost maniacally and starts to search the walls for bugs. Again.

10 minutes into the search, and nothing in Julian’s quarters is where it used to. Garak has moved everything, and has in fact found a couple bugs. Julian tries not to think what Section 31 may have heard during his last 2 dates he had with Garak. He fails. Julian knows what Sloan has heard. He feels almost sorry for the man.

"You know, Garak, this is not what I had in mind for our 3rd date."

He can't believe he knew him for so long and the first time he actually cooks for him, he messed up so badly.

“Well, then you shouldn’t have been so sloppy and let Odo put so many bugs in various parts of your room.”

“I already told you, those were Section 31 ones, which I’m glad you found, but please... stop turning everything upside down?”

“I must find all of them. Who knows how they could kill us otherwise. They want my secrets, Julian.”

He's not sure what he should do. Help him search? Try to reason with him? He has no idea what may trigger him.

Julian sighs and stays close. Garak’s tail moves like the one of an angry cat and Julian has to jump a couple times to avoid being hit.

“How do you feel?”

" _Observed._ There must be a camera hidden somewhere."

“I don’t think so. I think it’s the eggs. Here, do you want me to explain the scans to you?”

Julian is very annoyed. He sighs and watches as Garak goes across his walls again. It’s at least better than him acting like a child or demanding more eggs.

Suddenly he tears a wall panel with his bare hands. Julian rushes to his side and grabs his hands to keep him from harming himself further.

"Stop it, Garak! You are making your fingers bleed!"

He holds his hands together and sits him down. Maybe he should take them to the infirmary. Garak gives him a harsh look, shaking his head while Julian carefully passes the dermal regenerator on his fingers.

“Someone is watching you. Your quarters aren’t safe.”

"You'd rather go to sickbay? I need to treat this, Elim."

"No. There are changelings there, Julian. Is not safe. Is... Where, where is the replicator? I'm starving!"

“No, no you’re not. Or - here, I’ll order you something Cardassian. Just stay there. Don’t move, I... I want to give you a treat, close your eyes.”

Julian hurries to the replicator and makes something with no eggs or dairy or Terran food whatsoever. He prays this ends soon. He’s not sure how much more he can take.

He suddenly hears him sobbing. Do cardassians cry? He turns and yes, cardassians cry. Blue tears, to be exact. Any other time, he’d try to get a sample and analyse it, but he is so tired. He just wants this to end. And he doesn’t want Garak to feel sad, even if it is because he’s sort of drugged.

How did he end up with a crying cardassian in his room’s floor? He's had bad dates before, but this one definitely is the worst.

Julian kneels down in front of him and holds a tissue up, shushing at him and kissing his fingers.

“What’s wrong, love?” Julian starts to worry he’s deeply poisoned Garak. The tricoder shows he’s not in immediate danger, but can he really trust the readings? “How much pain are you in? Is because of the injuries to your fingers?”

"Not pain. I... I am so sad Hamlet had to die!"

Ok, now that's not what he expected. _How do you comfort a 200lb iguana crying about a fictional character?_ Julian can’t help smiling a little at that, though then he quickly tries to hide it.

“Of course, I was quite sad as well.”

He wraps his arms around his shoulders and moves a bit closer.

"He was only trying to avenge his father, Julian! It was all so unfair!"

He’d suspected for years Garak had actually loved the play. Now he has proof.

"Why don't we talk about something happier? Another play, a comedy perhaps?"

“Much Ado About Nothing?”

“Yes, yes. In fact, that one always reminds me a bit of us.”

“Claudio sentences Hero to death. He didn’t trust her at all!” Garak starts tearing up again. “I wouldn’t do that to you unless the state required it, so are you implying you’d do that to me?”

“No, no, the other couple, Beatrice and Benedick.” Julian assures him as he pulls Garak’s head to his chest. He subtly runs the tricorder over him.

Only a little bit left before he goes back to normal. He thanks the prophets the readings finally show some improvement.

Garak suddenly gets up.

"Why are we on the floor? Have the romulans drugged me?"

“No, not the Romulans. It was an accident. We were on the floor because you were crying over Hamlet.”

"What? That man was an idiot."

Julian rolls his eyes and gets back to his feet as well.

“At least you sound more like yourself. It turns out eggs have done unfortunate side effects on Cardassians.”

He snorts.

"That's absurd, dear."

“Oh, I don’t think you’ll say that when I play the video back to you. The highlight was when you asked for blocks.”

"Is there somebody recording our every move?"

Woops, wrong thing to say when he's still poisoned. _Idiot Julian, don’t joke with those things if you‘ve accidentally poisoned your lover._

“No, no, Of course not!” Julian says placatingly, giving Garak a half hug before pulling away. “Just us. It was just a joke. We are alone here, nobody is watching us.”

"Are you being punished too? Did you make your daddy angry?" Aaaaand there it is Garak-child again. Now that the effects are wearing off, it seems he's more erratic.

Julian checks his tricorder. 10 more minutes of madness, give or take.

“I’ve made him angry plenty, but don’t worry, no one is mad at you.” Julian assures him in as a gentle voice as possible. “Your daddy is not here.”

"But we are locked in here!" He starts sobbing and Julian gives him Kukalaka again, sighing. The poor bear will have to be comforted as well after this.

“No, no, we’re just staying here because it’s safe.” Julian assures him as he holds up Kukalaka and makes him wave. He hopes he gets turned into a child and Garak has to deal with that.

Garak grabs the bear.

"I'm hungry."

“Here, I brought you some nice Cardassian food.”

He eats happily, using his fingers. Julian is quite sure the fuzzy iguana will not be happy to find food under his claws once he’s back to normal.

"Want zome?"

Julian is not sure if his degrading language abilities are a good or a bad sign.

“Sure, thank you Garak. I’ll try a few bites.”

He sits on his couch and eats a bit, wondering if this means it’s almost over. Garak finishes eating and just snuggles into Julian's lap, making himself a little ball. He wraps his tail around himself and sighs. Boredom. Garak is dangerous when he’s bored, and even more so now that he’s a child.

“I ... how about we color?” Julian blurts out with a pained expression. Six minutes. Just six more minutes.

"No, I'm sleepy." He looks like a puppy. A scaled, long tailed, massive puppy. Maybe a dragon puppy, if that makes any sense. Julian would have been happy to never have to think that about somebody he's dating. He helps him lie down on the floor and gets him a pillow and a blanket.

“How about you take a nap then?”

"I want a tale."

“Oh. Well. Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Jadzia. She was from the ... moon kingdom, Trill. But she didn’t want to be a princess, she wanted to be a doctor. So one day, she ran away from home.”

Garak looks at him.

"Doctor, why are you telling me a ridiculous story?" He looks down. "And why am I like this?"

“Oh. Well. You thought you were a small child.”

"That's absurd.”

“And yet here we are.” He checks his tricoder and thanks the prophets. Normal readings, at last. “The food poisoning should be wearing off now. How do you feel?”

"Food poisoning? Doctor, what did you give me?" He looks at him as if he had poisoned him on purpose.

Julian blinks a little, shaking his head and looking a bit affronted.

“I wouldn’t poison you, Garak. It was an accident.“

"I asked what did you give me."

“Eggs from a chicken and milk from a cow, all nicely rounded up in the shape of an omelette. All replicated of course.”

"That shouldn't have given me a reaction. I eat that kind of products all the time. Are you sure there was not a psychotropic drug released in your quarters?"

_Am I sure the effects have worn off and this paranoia is yours and only yours, you damn lizard? No, I’m not sure of that either._

“No, of course not, Garak!” He thinks a bit about what did he use for the preparation. “I did add in some pepper for flavor though.”

"Pepper? Doctor, you should be happy I didn't get paranoid!"

 _I was trying to be experimental!_ Julian really wants to grab him by his tail and drag him out of his quarters. He closes his eyes and takes several deep breaths.

“I wouldn’t know, Elim. Paranoia seems to be a normal state for you.”

“Why, yes, thank you.”

Julian rolls his eyes and sighs. He can’t really blame him, even if he’s the most infuriating reptile ever.

“Elim, on our next date I think you should do the cooking.”

"Of course. Anything I should refrain from putting on your food?"

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love!


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